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You Never Even Call Me by My Nahum
Names used to mean something. People were named after venerable ancestors or heroes from history. Anymore, it seems that any combination of syllables can be passed off as a name. The more complicated and unpronounceable these multi-syllabic combinations, the better. “My name is Khoralimbo Shimmer DeFrequency. Spelled just like it sounds.” Nowadays, every Tom, Dick, and Harry is named Cozumell Pepto Numbskull. I want to do something to help reverse this trend. This is my contribution to the campaign to stamp out hokey handles and misfit monikers. As in so many other areas of life, I find no better source than the Good Book. For Your consideration, I would like to offer some good, solid, Biblical names, names that any kid of either sex would be proud to call her/himself. Turn with me, if You will, to Luke 3:28. Here we find Melchi, Addi, Cosam, Elmodam, and Er No first-grade teacher will ever call out the name Elmodam and have the kids ask, “Which one?” Berodachbaladan: (2 Kings 20:12) Just saying his name would qualify Your child as a contender in any belching contest. Tilgathpilneser: (1 Chronicles 5:6) Here’s a fine name for a budding young speech therapist. Zaphnathpaaneah: (Genesis 41:45) Ever heard a wino trying to give directions to a tourist? Jair: (Deuteronomy 3:14) If You live in the South, people will think his name is J.R. Chushanrishathaim: (Judges 3:8) A polite greeting among members of a secret society. Mahershalalhashbaz: (Isaiah 8:1) Something Drill Sergeants can yell in G-Rated movies. Ziporah: (Exodus 2:21) An ancient, windproof cigarette lighter. Chizkiyahu (aka Hezekiah): What Swedish bird ranchers holler while driving their flocks to market. (Isaiah 38:2, Torah) Eldad: (Numbers 11:26) Means “father” to anyone who flunked high school Spanish. Na'aman: (Genesis 46:21) Negative response from a Beatnik. Pedahzur: (Numbers 1:10) Early form of humdinger. Zadok (2 Samuel 8:17) There are even Biblical names for Klingon babies. If You’re lucky enough to have female triplets, You can do no better than this: “And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch.” (Job 42:14) The first two, we’ve heard and they’re beautiful names, but would you want a pancake made by Aunt Kerenhappuch? Yes, friends and neighbors, names that mean something. And remember: A rose by any other name can still be pronounced “Gedaliah” (2 Kings 25:22).
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